ONCE UPON A PEW
By Ken P. K. Alley

Once upon a pew I sat and heard a preacher ask,
"We need someone to teach a class, now who will take this task?"
Then God sat down beside me there and said, "Son, that's for you."
But, Lord, to stand before a class is one thing I can't do.
Now Bill would be the man to call, there's nothing he won't do.
I'd rather hear the lesson taught from here upon my pew.

Once upon a pew I sat and heard a preacher ask,
"We need someone to lead the songs, now who will take this task?"
Then God sat down beside me there and said, "Son, that's for you."
But Lord, to sing before a crowd is one thing I can't do.
Now Brother King will do the job, there's nothing he won't do.
I'd rather hear the music played from here upon my pew.

Once upon a pew I sat and heard a preacher ask,
"We need someone to keep the door, now who will take this task?"
Then God sat down beside me there and said, "Son, that's for you."
But, saying things to strangers Lord is one thing I can't do.
Now Tom can talk to people, Lord, there's nothing he won't do.
I'd rather someone come to me and greet me on my pew.

As years just seemed to pass me by I heard that voice no more,
Until one night I closed my eyes and woke on Heaven's shore.
T'was four of us together there to face eternity,
God said, "I need just three of you to do a job for me."
"O Lord," I cried, "I'll do the job, there's nothing I won't do."
But Jesus said, "I'm sorry friend, in Heaven there's no pew."

Attributed to the book: "Once upon a Pew: More Fun Than Having the Preacher Over!: A Collection of True, Funny Things That Have Happened in Church...Numerous Quips, Pulpit Bloopers, Typos and . . .," By Alley, Ken P. K., Published by Hearth Pub (May 1, 1996), ISBN: 0964508508, http://isbn.nu/0964508508

 

 

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~~~~~~~ TRIVIA:

We don't need to look far to be amazed by the intricate designs of creation. Our very own bodies bear witness to the wonders of our Creator. Each of us contains around 1 trillion cells, of more than 100 types, knitted together in a very complex manner. Our hearts pump the equivalent of 1,800 gallons of blood a day. Our brains process roughly 100 million pieces of data each second yet use far less electricity than a light bulb to do so. We can hear over 300,000 different tones and see approximately 8 million color differences. As for our muscles, if all 600 pulled together in one direction, we would be able to lift around 25 tons of weight.

From Matt Redman's book, "Facedown." Regal Books, 2004, p. 73, http://isbn.nu/9780830732463

 

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Keep Smiling

            IN THE BEGINNING:
                 God created the Heavens and the Earth
                 and populated the Earth with broccoli,
                 cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds,
                 so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.


                 Then using God's great gifts,
                 Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts.
                 And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
                 And Man said, "Yes!" and

          Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles."
                 And they gained 10 pounds.
                 And Satan smiled.


                 And God created the healthful yogurt
                 that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
                 And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat,
                 and sugar from the cane and combined them.
                 And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.


                 So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."  

             And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing,

            buttery croutons a garlic toast on the side.
                  And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the  repast.


                 God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables
                 and olive oil in which to cook them."

                 And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
                 chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
                 And Man gained more weight and
                 his cholesterol went through the roof.


                 God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake,
                 and said, "It is  good."

          Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."


                  God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

           And Satan gave them cable TV with a remote control  so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.

           And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.


                  Then God brought forth the potato naturally low in fat and  brimming with nutrition.

           And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.

     

                  And Man gained pounds.


                  God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories
                  and still satisfy his appetite.

                  And Satan created McDonald's
                  and its 99-cent double cheeseburger.

                  Then he said, "You want fries with that?"

                  And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"

                  And Satan said, "It is good."

                  And Man went into cardiac arrest.



                 God sighed, shook his head, and created quadruple bypass surgery.



                 Then Satan created HMOs. ........

THE TOP TEN PREDICTIONS FOR 2008 1. The Bible will still have all the answers. 2. Prayer will still work. 3. The Holy Spirit will still move. 4. God will still inhabit the praises of His people. 5. There will still be God-anointed preaching. 6. There will still be singing of praise to God. 7. God will still pour out blessings upon His people. 8. There will still be room at the Cross. 9. Jesus will still love you. 10. Jesus will still save the lost. God whispers in your soul and speaks to your mind. Sometimes when you don't have time to listen, He has to throw a brick at you. It's your choice: Listen to the whisper, or wait for the brick.

 

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